I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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