chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
