There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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