Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
