I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
