I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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