if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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