I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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