There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
