I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize