You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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