Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
