She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
