I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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