Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Randomize
