I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
