Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
