I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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