i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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