Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
