Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize