Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
