I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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