sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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