Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
