matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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