I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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