That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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