This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
