I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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