How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
