yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize