It was confusing and full of hummus
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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