toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
