did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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