After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
