I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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