Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
