i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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