i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
