at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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