ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He? As in you personified your dick?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
