I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
