My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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