well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
