She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
