if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
