hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
