Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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