I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm going to jail i love you
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize