Me too!
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
