You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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