My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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