the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
