why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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