First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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