who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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