btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
