why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
