a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
