Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize